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By Dr. Jayne Gardner

Many clients want to know how to increase self-esteem and success in their children. The solution is a concept called “Holding a Space.” Holding a Space is based on belief in the strength of the emotional current that exists between a parent and child – a force of the heart with impressive power. Psychologists refer to this phenomenon as the “Pygmalion Effect.” If you recall, in Greek mythology, Pygmalion was the passionately Greek character that believed so strongly in the beauty of a statue he had carved, the statue came to life, in other words, by believing passionately in our child’s potential, we help them create it and make it a reality.

This concept can be used with any child who needs some added confidence and is very effective with an adult child who is estranged from the family. There are three advantages of the concept, over traditional child-rearing strategies. First, it takes little time and energy and can be accomplished in the down time experienced while waiting in a line, driving your car, or completing menial daily tasks. It takes only five minutes a day! Second, it can be utilized with those loved ones you know are struggling but are separated from you by distance. This strategy demands no direct communication between you and this loved one. Third, you do not have to struggle with changing any behavior – only your thoughts.

This concept was born of necessity, in my own life. My daughter graduated from high school and went in and out of colleges for two years, attending four colleges and changing majors six times.

I realized she did not have confidence or belief in her own ability to earn a college degree, although she professed to want one. I talked to her. I advised her. I counseled her and suggested she see a therapist or coach. Nothing worked. The savings I had so carefully put aside for her education were quickly dwindling, with no meaningful progress to show for it.

I began to realize that no only did she not believe in herself, I did not believe in her either! I was fearful for her and frustrated with her. Would she be on my payroll forever? I was afraid for her future. I felt desperately sure she must get that college education to have a happy and productive life. If she did not, could she ever be happy in a family of college graduates? I was also worried deep down that her lack of success was my fault. What mistake had I made in parenting her? Would she ruin my image as a parent?

Much to my chagrin, my husband suggested we apply the principles I, as a life coach, teach parents in our situation. A shift is a fundamental change in the way you perceive something. My shift in this case came as a result of ceasing to look at my daughter as the one who needed to change, and to start looking inside myself, where I could affect change. I could keep doing the same thing over and over – talking, advising, counseling her on what she needed to do (from my wise point of view) or I could accept that this way was not working and try something different.